ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
a god among men
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.