Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You Might Also Like
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers