Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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My therapist after every session
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Breaking news:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.