Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?