kevin is now a local weatherman
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genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.