Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
tourist season
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣