KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.