KFC hitting the cannibal market
You Might Also Like
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.