KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
is this how new cars are made??
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Camping tip: No.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
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