*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
You Might Also Like
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
So we got a goldfish…
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok