Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores