Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist