. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.