*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
i think both sides are to blame here
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?