*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Meme Monday.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”