[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck