Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery