Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning