Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.