Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
No regrets in 2018
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.