Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
You Might Also Like
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*watches the world burn*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.