Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

If you are reading this then you are reading this

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!