Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
🙋♀️
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
