Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah