Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You Might Also Like
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Natural selection at its finest
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store