Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?