KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
This forever.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I need to update my racial profile.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny