Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I鈥檒l have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke鈥檚 on him this year: I haven鈥檛 touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don鈥檛 have to say 鈥淣etflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”