Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji