kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Bloody internet 😳
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this