kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.