kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You Might Also Like
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Owl Sanctuary
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
This is what makes twitter great