kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.