Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
You Might Also Like
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.