Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
And that about sums it up.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?