KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I love you…
…r dog.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful