*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.