KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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Pat is about to own someone
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”