Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.