Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.