Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*limbos under the caution tape
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.