Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*