Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.


You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.


The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point


@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?


occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt


Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.


My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog


[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat