@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

You Might Also Like

@kimlockhartga

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

@LlamaInaTux

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

@dwiskus

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

@kathyrinkes

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

@joekjoek

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

@OkieGirl405

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

@LittleHarmonica

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

@sadkxit

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat