Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
March 16
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.