Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
What a chick magnet..
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
This could be us… but you playing
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I want this so bad
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else