KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
You got this…