KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
couldn’t resist
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help