Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.