Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.


I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.


Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.


“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives


My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.


me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else


If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.


2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year


[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole


[hole opens in the ground]