Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
that de-escalated quickly
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic