Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
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I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.